Have you ever been in a committed relationship and been extremely tempted to cheat? Even when you’re with someone great, do you have a wandering eye? If you answered ‘yes’ you might still be the monogamous type – as long as you had the self-discipline to avoid indulging or felt remorseful.  If you did give in to temptation, did you feel disgusted with yourself – or did you enjoy it? If you were disgusted with yourself, it’s still possible that you’re cut out for monogamy.

If you feel adverse to the simple thought of cheating, and you’ve never acted on temptation, monogamy is 100% cut out for you. If you’re guilty of the crime but felt regret afterwards, that slip up could be what it took for you to get back on your path on fidelity. Sometimes, a mistake is what is necessary for you to realize what you have isn’t worth putting in jeopardy.

If you felt guilty, but you still repeated the crime over and over, you’re not cut out for monogamy – not yet, anyway. If you’re in a relationship and you’re able to cheat without guilt, or by giving yourself phony justifications, you’re likely lying to yourself and everyone around you about what type of relationship you actually seek. You should be in a polyamorous relationship and stop wasting all the monogamous peoples’ time.

Let’s dive into some reasons why some people are or definitely aren’t the monogamous type:

1. Role models or lack thereof

Great role models can certainly be a reason as to why monogamy is realistic and desired in our minds. Some of us grew up with fantastic role models in the form of parents who have been married for twenty or more years and know only the path of monogamy – with no regrets about it, and they’re still blissfully happy.

Some of us, however, were subject to a very questionable upbringing where relationships came and went. No certainty. No white picket fence.

Your parents of course are not the only role models that could have an effect on your view of monogamy. For example, if your brother cheated on his fiance and regretted it ever since, never finding a woman as wonderful as her ever again, your view could become a little more in favor of monogamy after witnessing a trainwreck like that.

Whatever the case, how we conduct ourselves in relationships often does have a lot to do with how we were raised and how our relationships are with our parents. If we are raised seeing our parents argue and emotionally abuse each other or cheat, we likely won’t think twice of its normality. We’ll grow up thinking it’s completely appropriate.

Our upbringing defines what’s “normal” to us. I had a very warped upbringing, so my normal is distorted. My best friend’s upbringing, however, was by the book – so her normal is more of a straight line. It’s no surprise that we both have polar opposite views on relationships and on how realistic monogamy is.

In general, who we surround ourselves with can impact our relationships and our views on monogamy. If you constantly see your friends disrespect their partner and cheat, you’re subject to possibly acquiring that same attitude. Striving to be different from your friends can be the ultimate test of your personal morals.

2. Technology and dating apps

Accessibility to singles on dating apps is one of the biggest obstacles for those who strive to be monogamous. It’s a huge problem, and a huge temptation. When infidelity can be just a few clicks away, what’s to stop us if it’s done secretly and no one will ever know? What’s to stop us from seeking out that rush of hooking up with someone new and exciting? Morals will hold some of us back, but others will download a dating app and cave to that temptation at their fingertips.

Even if strong morals were embedded as early on as childhood, some of us will still give into temptation. It’s human nature. Some people are concerned with their moral conduct being perfect on the outside, but if noone was to find out, morals can suddenly go out the window. Think about how many things you would do behind closed doors vs having an audience? If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around, it didn’t really fall – or something like that. It never happened. Unless you’re Josh Duggard and hackers have leaked your AshleyMadison profile exposing you as a cheater, you’re in the clear.

But hey, some of us get off on being on being bad. If that sounds like you, you sound pretty anti-monogamous to me.

Decision: Monogamous or Polyamorous?

It’s easier said than done to determine which side of the white picket fence you’re on. If you don’t feel sick at the thought of being with someone other than your partner, you may have normalized cheating to the point where you think it’s ok. Maybe you know that you don’t seek a monogamous relationship, but you say you do out of fear of what you may lose by admitting that your views really lie on the other side of that white picket fence. The fear of being alone, for example. Or the fear of rejection. The fear of not getting what you want. The fear of the unknown, and all the “what if”s that we can get consumed with. Fear can be what holds us back from deciding whether we are A or B. Many of us want B but will pretend we want A, for social acceptance. If you think the “just tell people what they want to hear” mentality is ok, you should check yourself. Do that, and you are digging yourself a hole that ultimately will be very hard to get out of if you ever decide you want something real.

A polymarous relationship simply wouldn’t work if you’re an insecure individual. This type of relationship isn’t as negative as it may seem, as long as it’s openly communicated. If all the cards are on the table, and it’s an open and honest relationship, it can actually be quite enjoyable. It’s an interesting way to explore relationship dynamics you never thought possible. When you have clear and respectful communication between all parites, you can feel good about yourself knowing that you’re not deceiving anyone. In other words, you don’t have to be monogamous to be a good and ethical person – you just need to be honest with yourself and others.